The Relationship Between IDENTITY and PURPOSE

There are two questions I've been hearing in sessions for years: • Who am I? • Why am I?

The first is a question of identity. The second a question of purpose. When guys ask "Who am I?", they mean it quite literally. A baby thinks of itself as an extension of its mother, until in its toddler years it learns it can say "no", defying the mother, thus demonstrating autonomy. This is terrifying, and so there's the behavior we all associate with dysregulated toddlers, commonly known as the "terrible twos". A good parent learns that comforting the child when it is in the terrified state of defiance and consequent existential crisis, which definitely doesn't feel intuitive in the moment, is really the best play. They need to be held. Hugged. Reassured. Grounded. Reintegrated, even. This happens again in the teen years. Having been a teen art teacher, I was a trusted adult figure for confused teens at odds with their parents, peers, teachers, and ultimately themselves. My role -- beyond art instruction -- became helping teens to self regulate, and acting as an ad hoc family mediator, using creative expression (in this case art) as a bridge to effective communication and a tool for developing a healthy self image. I always joked with frustrated parents that teens are just toddlers with larger vocabularies. Their issues are the same. Life is scary, I'm freaking out, who the fuck even are you, and who or what the fuck am I? And obviously this leads to the second logical question, "Why am I?" Since the process is frightening, painful, and thankless -- in that the societal response to this kind of suffering is typically "yeah, life's hard, deal with it" -- there tends to be a need to understand how this came to be. Who did this to me? Who can I blame? Or look to for guidance? Like, what the hell? Why is any of this like this, because it seems to suck really hard sometimes, and I don't recall being asked if I wanted to take this ride to begin with. So teens go on quests to figure out who they are, so they can then discover their purpose, complete their mission, unlock the achievement award or whatever, and close the meta loop whereby the super sucky means were justified by the fairly decent to hopefully awesome end. Philosophical thinking combined with heavy emotional introspection follow. Deep music, books, art, conversations with friends, finding mentors, etc. They think: there has to be an answer, I'm going to be the one to figure it out. I'm on a quest.

But then of course reality sets in. Life costs money. Dating is a thing, and it's complicated. Sexual identity. Gender identity. Societal status. Etc, etc.... and before you know it, your toddler/teenager guy is just another cog in the wheel, jogging faster and faster on the hedonic treadmill because.... well, because. Man up and do your job.

So I get these guys as clients. All ages, from early 20s to late 60s. In many if not most cases, the toddler and the teenager still haven't had their issues addressed, their questions answered, their fears allayed, or their cold cases closed... so to speak. They're guys in survival mode, lifeing, but still not clear on those two questions: • Who am I?

• Why am I?

And as I know you know -- because I'm writing this for YOU, the guy -- there's a tendency to hide in habits that give temporary relief from the suffering and existential dread. Dopamine traps, like device usage, gaming, weed, alcohol, porn, staying up late doing dumb shit instead of sleeping. It's the behavior of the undisciplined, because it's frankly very difficult to stay disciplined when these two foundational questions remain open-ended.

So look, I'm going to make it simple, ish. Not easy, per se, but uncomplicated. Let go of the idea that you need to discover your "true" identity as a prerequisite to then understanding what you should be doing, or what your specific calling is. This is just the wrong way to go about the whole thing. Instead, begin with the second question. "Why am I?" Or more precisely, "What is my purpose?" Radical concept, but bear with me. At the very highest level, we all have the same purpose. Our purpose is to exist in a way that serves the greater good. Please don't just casually scroll past that statement as you hurry to get to the end of this piece. Meditate on it. Our purpose is to exist in a way that serves the greater good.

I'm going to do something uncharacteristic. I'm going to end here. Because really, that's the thing you are rushing around ignoring in your quest to do whatever you think you need to do to be whoever it is you think you need to be, for whatever reason you think you need to do that, which you are clueless about, and we're back. Time for a nap. Right? No. Deal with it. YOUR PURPOSE [insert reader name here] is to EXIST in a way that SERVES the greater GOOD. Simpler? YOU. SERVE. GOOD. Your identity will be informed by HOW you accomplish this. So to know WHO you are and WHY you are, simply CHOOSE HOW you will DO GOOD for OTHERS.

The work you do when you have chosen will manifest in ways that are literally miraculous. PICK THE THING. DO THE WORK. Your WHY is the effect it has on the world. Your identity is who doing this makes you. Ask me how I know.