Woman: The Enigma | A Male Perspective

A woman in a field on her motorcycle at sunset.

1. Some Mysteries Aren’t Meant to Be Solved I'm thinking about the term "unsolvable mystery", which was going to be the title of this article. "Woman: The Unsolvable Mystery". Catchy, right? What could go wrong? Well, upon reflection, it implies that a mystery is a problem that can be solved, such as a murder mystery. But if we consider something that we don't understand a mystery—in this case a man attempting to understand a woman—then what creates the so-called mystery for the man is a difference in perception, rooted in a difference in perspective, which may also involve biological factors such as brain chemistry, hormones, etc. In short, it's a mystery because he doesn't get it. In this sense, the "mystery" lies somewhere between obliviousness and ignorance.

• Obliviousness, if he genuinely cannot empathize due to a lack of relatability, for instance, PMS. There simply is no male equivalent, just as there's no female equivalent for being kicked in the balls.

  
  

• Ignorance, if he has been given opportunities to at least try to understand, in the way a male OBGYN does his best to relate to his clients' concerns intellectually, while lacking the physical apparatus to truly understand her visceral experience.

So what I'm getting at here is the idea that a mystery may be characterized differently than a puzzle, riddle, or problem. In this case, what might that be?

2. The Unsolvable Mystery of Otherness

Most guys treat a “mystery” like a puzzle—something unknown but ultimately solvable. Murder mysteries, riddles, even complex emotional dilemmas all present to the male engineer-brain as problems with solutions; if you just gather enough clues, apply enough logic, the truth will reveal itself. Not getting it? Analyze more, try harder. Gamify it. Win by solving for X. But not all mysteries work that way.

Sometimes, the mystery isn’t hidden. It’s inaccessible. Not because we haven’t looked hard enough, but because the experience itself exists outside our frame of reference. A man trying to understand a woman’s emotional landscape, for example, may encounter a kind of mystery that has no solution, only depth. And by depth, consider the experience of staring into an infinity mirror—or two mirrors facing each other, like at a barbershop. In a way, that's really what's happening anytime two sentient beings stand before each other in an effort to relate intimately, which is to say profoundly.

• If he is ignorant, he may fail to engage. The mirror cracks his gourd, he gets overstimulated, and goes into his mental man cave for the safety of familiarity, like a baby going to sleep in its crib, or an overwhelmed dog retreating to its crate.
  

• If he is oblivious, he may simply be biologically or neurologically unable to relate. Either way, the “mystery” lies not in the facts, but in the fundamental difference of perception.
  

A problem can be solved. A puzzle can be pieced together. But an enigma—true otherness—has to be approached with humility, not conquest.

Some things aren’t meant to be solved. They’re meant to be respected. And you cannot logically respect what you don't understand, which brings us back to our dilemma.

3. What is a Woman?

This was a question posed by conservative political commentator Matt Walsh in his titular 2022 American documentary film about gender and transgender issues. There is a ginormous rabbit hole here, as in 2025 (the time of this writing) the arguable distinction between biological sex and gender identification isn't merely a hot-button topic, but is an absolutely incendiary and divisive political battleground. So for the sake of clarity, let's establish who I'm writing this about, and who I'm writing it for. My demographic is, and always has been, success-driven men (born biologically male) who date women (born biologically female), in hopes of eventually marrying, starting a family, and living a traditional—though not necessarily conservative—lifestyle. To be clear, this is written about them, and uses a familiar lexicon that this demographic is comfortable with. This said, everything I write (or that any of our coaches write on behalf of our brand) is written for everyone, period. There is absolutely no judgment here. This is a culture of brotherly love. We simply don't do hate. Again, just to be crystal clear about our values.

So, back to the question—What is a woman?

The comedy here is that this plane never leaves the tarmac. Why? Precisely because it represents more of what I described earlier as the classic masculine engineer-brain. The moment you ask questions that begin with "who, what, when, where, how, or why", you attempt to dissect into parts something that simply cannot be known this way, and in your effort to understand through analysis you've already missed it. Like art, like music, like poetry, the je ne sais quoi of femininity is its ability to be experienced, but not necessarily to be scrutinized through the lens of scientific method. Still, we all know what it is. How? Because like the yin yang, there are elements of masculinity in women, and elements of femininity in men. Most of the guys in this culture are initially uncomfortable with this idea, as to them it reads as emasculation, which causes not only shame but lack of purpose. It doesn't help that many of us were raised with fathers whose toxic machismo taught us to equate kindness with weakness. And so one of the things guys learn here is that it is in fact extremely manly to show sensitivity, to practice empathy, to show humility, and to learn to communicate with the women in our lives in their language, just as we have historically expected them to communicate with us in ours. So what is a woman? I'll show you, but fair warning: you're going to have to feel feelings. And so that you aren't confused, feelings aren't thoughts. Got it? No, you don't. Not to worry. I'm a coach. I got you, fam. Just follow my instructions:

4. To Really Grok the Enigma, Practice Presence

Okay, so I'm going to share a song with you. You may or may not be a fan of the folk genre. Tough titty. Here's what I want you to do:

• MAN UP and listen to the pretty song. You'll find the YouTube link below. Don't scrub through it looking for the point. Don't multitask. Sit your distracted ass down, be still, play the song, and vibe with it. Listen to her words. Feel her feelings. For convenience, I've copied the lyrics below as well.
  

• Sit with it. Literally. Just sit down and feel that shit, even if it's uncomfortable. Hell, especially if it's uncomfortable.
  

• Now practice doing this with your girlfriend, wife, or significant other. THIS is what she wants. She wants you to share space with her. Be present. Feel her feelings. Yeah bro, it kinda sucks from a male perspective, but this is what makes women so enigmatic for us. We overthink everything. They overfeel everything. She doesn't want to take that journey alone. She's asking you to take it with her.

That's the "solution" to the mystery. Now sack up and listen to the song, and for bonus points, share it with your wife or girlfriend. Again, trust me. I'm a life coach. ✌️✌️✌️

Dar Williams performs "When I was a Boy" at WNRN in Charlottesville, Virginia on June 30, 2010 before her show at Jefferson Theater. Song appears on her album "The Honesty Room".

When I Was a Boy

Song by Dar Williams ‧ 1993

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand

I said I was a boy

I'm glad he didn't check

I learned to fly, I learned to fight

I lived a whole life in one night

We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck

And I remember that night

When I'm leaving a late night with some friends

And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe, someone should help me

I need to find a nice man to walk me home

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom

Climbed what I could climb upon

And I don't know how I survived

I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike

Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw

My neighbor came outside to say, "get your shirt"

I said "no way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law"

And now I'm in a clothing store, and the sign says less is more

More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me

That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture? that was me

Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees

And I know things have gotta change

They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in, they've got implants to remove

But I am not forgetting

That I was a boy, too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep

Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard

I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way

To catching fire-flies out in the backyard

And I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived

And I say now you're top gun

I have lost and you have won

He says, "oh no, no, can't you see?"

When I was a girl, my mom and I, we always talked

And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked

And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do

And I have lost some kindness

But I was a girl, too

And you were just like me, and I was just like you

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Dar Williams

When I Was a Boy lyrics © BMG Rights Management