Love & Long-term Relationships

Let's talk about relationships. I'll start with my own, since I've learned as a coach for men that asking for honesty and vulnerability works out better when I lead with my own story, for better or worse. And trust me, there's always a voice in my head saying, "Hey man, careful what you put out there. You never know who's reading this." But whatever. It's my truth, and if it helps someone, then I'm doing my job and serving my purpose. My partner Celia and I have been together 16 years. Our son Bennett turns 15 this month, so basically we've been parents for nearly our entire relationship. Also, Bennett is autistic (level 3), and has achondroplasia dwarfism. The stories I could tell about raising this child are a totally different post, but if you know, you know. It would be an understatement to say that it has been a hell of a ride thus far. Could I complain? Absolutely. Could she? Hell yes. If I could go back and do anything differently, would I? Yes. I made so many poor decisions in the beginning of our relationship. I'm in my 50s now, I was in my 30s then. It's fair to say that I have regrets for choices I made then which are now permanently with us. Memories that make her feel angry and sad, and of course make me wish I had either known better or done better; though in fairness, she isn't perfect either. But this is more about us men, and the things we should do and shouldn't do to make our relationships work if she is willing to do the same in kind.

~~~~ The picture in the post is a baked brie plate. There are apple slices, freshly baked bread, organic concord grapes, chopped almonds, dates, honey, and a variety of crackers. Celia made this for us as an appetizer before dinner. I know it's cliché, but the adage that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is popular for a reason. I would never have done this for myself in a million years, and my appreciation was immense. It was so good. She got the idea from a restaurant we'd eaten at recently, down the hill in Palm Springs. On alternating Saturdays we have a respite care worker who stays at the house with Bennett (and our dog Hannah), while we go on dinner dates. I always pay for the dates, and they aren't inexpensive, but I've factored them in as a necessity rather than a luxury. I don't think of them as a relationship tax, per se, but instead as a part of the meta-calculus that makes our situation work. And also, once I've committed, not only the food but the entire experience really is enjoyable.

In fact, before I shift gears, let me lean into that last bit. I love Celia. What does that mean? You're a guy. You know that if I didn't love her, I wouldn't be here, kid or not. And that's how we men often answer the question, "But how do I really know you love me?" The answer is: "I'm still here, aren't I?" That's how you know. It's not complicated." But what she's really asking is "Yes, but why ME specifically? Why do you love ME?" That is, unless she's like Celia, and then she doesn't even ask. Not out loud, anyway. She just observes, collects data, and internally draws conclusions. So if I'm really present when we go out to dinner, versus just going through the motions, she can tell. If I'm listening to her, rather than just hearing the sound of her voice, she can tell. When I say that I love Celia, I mean that I enjoy knowing she's excited about where we're going to eat, and I do my best to share her excitement. I dress up a bit, like I'm going on an actual date (because I am). I force myself to try new things, even if I'd rather stick to what I know. I do my best to walk into social situations like someone who wants to be there rather than has to be. I do this because I love her. Love is a verb. This is one of the ways I actively love her. And also, I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. But whatever. She can leave if she wants. But while she's here, I'm doing what I can. That's what long-term relationships are really about. Letting go of the woulda, coulda, shoulda. Then just doing the stuff you damn well KNOW she wants, and doing it the WAY you know she hopes you will do it. As for her contribution, or reciprocation, if you will, don't worry about it. Don't keep tabs. Just do your job, which is to be her man. A provider, a protector, a performer... but ALSO, a lover, and a friend. For better or worse.